Breaking News! Crocodiles Have Morals

In a recent scientific breakthrough, it has been discovered that the brain of a crocodile is much more complex than previously thought, going as far as possessing a complex morality system not unlike that of a human.


On December 1st, 2012, a four metre long Crocodylus Porosus, devoured a helpless 4 year old child in Arnhem Land, Northern Territory, Australia.  Finally, it has been killed.  According to the NT News 30 Jan 2013, 'locals lured the croc into shallow water where Gumatj Corporation workers shot the animal.'

It's obvious only a morally corrupt, evil crocodile would kill a poor, defenseless child.  The majority of crocodiles are upstanding citizens that know better than this.  Clearly this was one 'salty' that was just plain evil.

'Let it serve as a lesson to all other crocodiles', some local dickhead probably said.

Friend of the victim's family and Gumatj Corporation Executive, who was instrumental to the expelling of the evil beast, told NT News about how the family is feeling.

 'It has been very stressful for the family not knowing, but they have closure now.'

It's great that we live in a society that is hellbent on justice being served, not at all unaware of the hypocrisy of righting the wrong of killing by more killing.  Now that the murderous evil salty bastard has been slayed, the family can sleep a little better.  And according to some recent studies conducted, sleep can be important to good health.

'Most crocodiles wouldn't kill a child, they simply know better than that', commented John, a local expert on, everything.

Not that kind of Morel, Mohammed

Although this has all been such a tragic series of events, we can be thankful it has led to the scientific breakthrough of the mentality of the crocodile.  Instead of lamenting in the catastrophe, Darwin Primary School teacher Vanessa Pointycracke is looking to the future.

'We should be thinking about education now, you know, schools for these crocodiles, or crocopeople as they prefer to be called as of just then.  Sometimes it is ignorance that causes the problems, and with a proper education these issues are easily fixed.'

Vanessa also works part-time as a stripper on weekends, to save up enough funds to start a waterfront fish & chips business, which has been her dream ever since she was a little boy.

'I always wanted to be a primary school teacher whilst working part-time on weekends as a stripper to save up enough funds to start a fish & chips business on the waterfront', she explains enthusiastically.

Scientists are looking to probe further into the mind of the crocodile, and are now speculating that it may have been mental illness that caused it to attack unprovoked, because it couldn't have been hungry and trying to survive or anything.

'We're thinking depression, or possibly even bi-polar', said a leading professional expert.

'The crocodile may not have even been aware it attacked the child.  When someone with a diseased mental brain has an outburst, they lose control of their actions.'

He continues:

'It's much like sleep walking, except you're awake and killing children.'

'Now we're looking for a drug we can prescribe these teen-angst crocs.  We've already got several leading drug manufacturers interested.'

'Don't worry, we've already trademarked the crocodile anti-depressent "croco-smile''', the leading professional expert laughs awkwardly.

'And "Cross-adile" is on the cards, certainly.' 

Several witnesses have even reported local crocodiles listening to 'heavy death rock' music such as American satanic band Nickelback.

'This awful music they listen to, it just can't be having a positive effect on them, it's so negative and full of hate.  It's just horrible', squawked prestigious local woman Glenys Marter.

'I just don't understand it.  Why don't they listen to something nice like twinkle twinkle little star?'

For far too long, crocodiles have been sorely misunderstood.  Now, at last, we can sleep soundly at night knowing that progress is being made.  But progress and sleep doesn't bring back the dead.  At least, not yet.